Bribes,Bribes and more Bribes!
See this cheesy smile? Man, she is one tough cookie! She cried all day from the day she was born until she turned about 18 months old. We lovingly referred to her as a terrorist! She really just struggled, and so did we. She is number 6 and we are experienced parents, but is there such a thing? I swear that she taught us so much. I still can't believe we agreed to have one more after her. Seriously! It was THAT H.A.R.D. I'm fairly certain that this is when my over bribing began. I would beg her and promise the world if she would just not scream while we grocery shopped, or picked the other kids up at school. I totally know she did not understand me, but for some reason, it made me feel like I was trying to make things better for her. "If you stop crying, I will give you a cookie." "If you stay in bed and don't get out, tomorrow you can have pancakes for breakfast." And to the siblings, "If you will just hold your sister for 2 minutes while I make dinner I will let you stay up after your bedtime." The list goes on and on! Looking back now, I think I would have sold my soul for a moment of peace back then. Thank goodness for a great village, or I don't think we would have survived it.
This semester in one of my parenting classes at BYUI, the topic was pointed at bribes and rewards. I devoured that information, and a sinkning feeling filled my spirit. These words were for me, and they jumped off the page. *"Timing is Everything. Rewards promised before the action can feel manipulative." And there I was, in the realization that really, all I was trying to do was to manipulate my children into doing what I wanted! And here I thought I was just doing what other parents had done for years. I wasn't teaching them intrinsic reasons for modeling good behavior, I was in essence "tricking" them into doing things my way, while they stood there, hands out waiting for the payout. My other favorite part of this lesson was, *"The problem comes when parents use rewards or punishments that are neither authentic or logical. They are arbitrary and have no connection to the situation." Like hello.... don't take away a bike when a child will not take a bath. The two have nothing to do with each other..... Mind Blown! Why had I never before made this connection? Makes perfect sense. Like the whole "Does the punishment fit the crime?" type of sitaution.
Parenting Experts seem to agree that "Children should not be rewarded for behavior they should do anyway." (Markham L. 2017) While we might all know this logically, does it stop us from saying things like, "If you hurry and brush your teeth there will be time for an extra book?" I do this a lot, and do not realize the correlation my children may be making that if they take longer to do the things I ask, I will reward them when they do it quickly. How confusing for them then on the nights when they move slowly and all it does is frustrate me and then I am unkind with no extra reward being offered. I have to remember that as the old saying goes, my tongue is in a wet place and may slip.
Learning a new pattern for this habit is hard. I have been practicing for a few weeks by simply just asking them to demonstrate the behavior needed with no strings attached. The learning curve has been steep for them, and me! They too, have to unlearn the "I do this and then I get this" way of being. For this cute girl it has been the hardest. I think because it is all she knows, and well, 3 year olds have a way of digging thier heels in to exercise independence. And let's face it, I'm asking her to do a hard thing, to learn with her mama!
XOXO- Jillian
*Quotations were taken from My FML120 course at BYUI
Markham, L. (2012) Peaceful Parents, Happy Kids: How to Stop Yelling and Start Connecting.
Penguin (2012) pg 112
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